What the Hell is This?
by Renji9031
Summary: Summary: Ichigo and his friends are trying to figure out Aizen’s next move when they stumble across a phenomenon called Bleach: The Abridged Series. Rated T for language and innuendo.


**What's the Hell is This?**

* * *

**I stumbled on the work, "There's a Parody About Us" by Self-Proclaimed KingOfDDR and decided to do the exact same thing, only with **_**Bleach: The Abridged Series.**_

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, Tite Kubo does. khenpoe owns **_**Bleach Abridged**_**.**

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**Summary: Ichigo and his friends are trying to figure out Aizen's next move when they stumble across a phenomenon called **_**Bleach: The Abridged Series**_

* * *

**Chapter 1: Porn and WHAT, KON!?**

* * *

"Damn it Aizen," said Ichigo. "Why did he have to blow up Karakura? Now everyone's dead."

"Who cares?" said Hitsugaya Tōshirō, Squad 10 Captain. "Just keep looking for anything regarding Aizen."

"OK," said Ichigo. "Damn idiot."

Ichigo googled the word Aizen and found a ton of links. There was one for Sōsuke Aizen on Wikipedia, a few fansites, and most notably, an AMV on YouTube.

Curious about what this held, Ichigo clicked.

* * *

After watching the video, Ichigo's only reaction was, "That… really… sucked…"

Looking in the "Related Videos" list, Ichigo saw something called _Bleach: The Abridged Series_. Noticing that it had a thumbnail of him, he called everyone over.

"HEY GUYS!! COME WATCH THIS!!"

"Why?" asked Rukia.

"It's a picture of me!"

"OK, OK," Rukia said after everyone showed up. "Play it."

Ichigo couldn't click the link faster.

* * *

"_Now, on the first episode of _Bleach Ab…_"_

_"Oh what the hell?" asked AS Ichigo, cutting off the narrator. "Do you know how many freaking _Bleach Abridged Series_ there are on YouTube already? URGH! COME ON!!"_

_"Hey, don't blame me," said the narrator, khenpoe. "It's not my fault that the others sucked so badly that we had to make a new one. I'm just the narrator."_

_"Honestly, Ichigo, I don't know why you're complaining so much," said AS Rukia. "At least your voice doesn't sound nearly as bad as it did in the real _Bleach _series."_

* * *

"My voice doesn't sound that bad, does it?" asked Ichigo.

"No it doesn't," said Byakuya. "It only sounds like a hollow got hit by a steam roller with spikes after being hit by my Bankai."

"Why I oughtta…"

"Let's just get back to the show please," said Rukia, shutting up a potentially disastrous situation.

* * *

_"Yeah, well maybe you do have a point," said AS Ichigo. "After all, the guy who made this probably has some pretty big cojones to try to pull off another _Bleach Abridged Series_ when the others already suck so bad. Alright, but that brings me to the next point. Who the hell sponsors this crap?"_

_"Roll credits," said AS Rukia._

* * *

"Credits?" asked Ichigo. "Do I even want to know what they mean by credits?"

"Probably not," said Rukia.

"Well, there's no turning back now, Kurosaki," said Ishida. "You clicked, you watch."

* * *

_"Uh, let's see," said AS Ichigo. "Playstation, Bandai, Sega, Sony Music, something in Japanese that I can't read because of the Americanization, and… wait… P&G, what the hell is P&G?"_

_"Porn and Goodies!" yelled AS Kon._

_"Wait, what the…" said AS Ichigo. "Kon what the fuck are you doing here?"_

_"Don't be ridiculous. You know you'd be lost without me," said AS Kon. "Besides, the ladies love the Kon-man. Isn't that right, Rukia?"_

_Kon was met by a kick to the face, courtesy of Kuchiki Rukia._

* * *

"Nice one Rukia," said Ichigo. "Why does Kon have to be an asshole in this show too?"

"I don't know," she responded. "And we all know P&G is for Procter and Gamble, right Kon?"

"Don't look at me that way," said Kon. "It's a parody. A parody, I tell you."

* * *

_"Goddammit, I thought I wouldn't have to deal with you for another few episodes, Kon. And where the hell did you come up with Porn and Goodies?"_

_"Every young man with a healthy libido knows the value of good porn," said AS Kon. "AND CHOCOLATE!!"_

* * *

"Can't argue with that," said every man in the room, including Byakuya.

"NII-SAMA!!"

"What?" asked Byakuya. "Can't a noble have a little fun?"

"Argh," said Rukia. "Just continue with the video."

* * *

_"God, I should have known," said AS Ichigo. "Can we just get started with the show already?"_

_"Fine," said AS Rukia. "But somebody has to finish reading the credits Ichigo."_

_"Uh, fine," he said. "This program is bought to you by… unngh."_

_"Say it."_

_"Porn and Goodies," AS Ichigo finally deadpanned._

* * *

"I hope that there are no more of these credits in this show," said Ichigo. "And why is Green Day playing?"

"I don't know," said Rukia. "Keep watching."

* * *

_The moon faded in to reveal AS Rukia on a pole._

_"Great. Just great," she said. "Another beautiful night and I'm stuck on Shinigami duty. My friends are getting drunk off their asses and I have to work mine off. Ugh… Well I guess I better get started. Those souls won't reap themselves, unfortunately."_

_AS Rukia jumped off the pole saying, "I hope I don't run into any red haired idiots while I'm out."_

* * *

"Wait," said Ichigo. "I don't have red hair and I am not an idiot."

* * *

_"I'm Ichigo Kurosaki, fifteen years old, high school freshman," said AS Ichigo. "My family runs the town clinic. My hobbies include video games, kicking ass at Yu-Gi-Oh, kicking the asses of the local thugs, and general do-gooding when it comes to ghosts. And yes before you ask, I can see dead people. Now that we got that _Sixth Sense _reference out of the way, welcome to my life."_

_"You dropped your guard, Kakarot," said AS Ichigo's father, kicking him in the face. "Don't you remember Ichigo? We were going to play Dragon Ball Z when you got home tonight."_

_"Yeah, well a true Saiyan wouldn't attack somebody while their guard is down!"_

* * *

"OK, no," said Ichigo. "My dad may be a dumbass, but DBZ? No. Just no."

"Oh what is your problem, Ichigo?" saked Ishida. "Knowing you, you probably do unthinkable things to…"

"Finish that sentence and Tensa Zangetsu is going through your stomach!"

"I wasn't going to say anything about any of the MALE characters, but since you asked…"

"Oh what the hell did I do to deserve this?" asked Ichigo.

* * *

_"That's where you're wrong Kakarot," said AS Isshin. "A true Saiyan would take any opportunity. That's what you call _strategy_."_

_This lead to a fight between AS Ichigo and AS Isshin._

_"Oh, you started already?" asked AS Yuzu. "I wanted to be Krillin."_

_"Who cares," said AS Karin. "Give me food."_

_"But I…"_

_"Fine, you're Krillin," said AS Karin. "You lose. Now give me food before I blot out the sunshine disposition of yours with the black cloud of reality."_

"_She's so emo…"_

* * *

"OK," said Karin. "I am not emo. An emo person wouldn't fall in love at all, let alone with Hitsu… did I say that out loud?"

"Ha, my little sister is in love with Tōshirō!!" said Ichigo, who was on the floor laughing.

"THAT'S CAPTAIN HITSUGAYA TO YOU!!" yelled Hitsugaya after kicking Ichigo in the gut causing him to puke on Byakuya's shoes.

"Hitsugaya… you… made… him… puke… on… my… three million yen shoes!!"

"Goddammit just watch the show," said Rukia, avoiding another incident.

* * *

_AS Ichigo and AS Isshin punched each other in the face. AS Isshin fell to the ground saying, "But I am the Prince of all Saiyans."_

_"If I told you once, I told you a hundred times," said AS Ichigo. "I'm Rick James, bitch!! I mean, NOBODY DEFEATS GOKU!! Screw it. I'm going to bed."_

_"Nice. I think you pissed him off," said AS Karin._

_"What? But why?"_

_"I don't watch Dragon Ball Z, and even I know that Goku never loses to Vegeta," said AS Ichigo. "Goddammit, doesn't anyone in this family know what it means when somebody's trying to sleep." _

_"Morning," said AS Yuzu._

_"Morning," said AS Ichigo._

* * *

"Finally, some normalcy," said Ichigo. "Do you know how long I waited for this?"

"I think it's called an abridged series for a reason," said Rukia.

"This entire series is going to make fun of us, isn't it?"

"Pretty much."

* * *

_"Hey sweet, free toast!" said AS Ichigo_

"_Wait that's mine," said AS Yuzu a little bit too late, as Ichigo had already taken a bite._

"_Attention everyone! This is the Neighborhood Watch Committee saying that there has been a dangerous explosion. Please contact us if you know anything about it. Thanks and have a safe day," was heard on the news while a message saying "Watch _YuYu Hakusho Abridged_, thanks Lanipator" appeared at the bottom of the screen._

"_Itsygo?" asked AS Yuzu._

"_TV"_

* * *

"OK," said Ichigo. "Who the hell is Lanipator and why did Yuzu just sound like Nel?"

"Ichigo," said Nel, who had apparently become an adult and was granted access to Soul Society. "That sounds nothing like me. She said "Itsygo." I always said Its**u**go. With a U!!"

"Fine, but that doesn't explain who Lanipator is."

"Let's just continue please."

* * *

_"Hey, is that MasakoX and Vegeta3986?" said some random guy._

_"Huh?" asked his wife. At least we think it was his wife. She didn't get any more that three seconds of screen time so we're not quite sure. "Vegeta, I love you!"_

_All of a sudden, a giant explosion rocked the earth._

_"Hey. I've seen this movie," said AS Ichigo. "Run through the crowd, run through the crowd, run through the crowd, and reveal the Spidey suit."_

_A pause… nothing happens…_

_"Wait. Dammit. That always works for Tobey Maguire."_

* * *

"Spider-Man? Spider-Man?" asked Ichigo, his voice raising. "Damn you khenpoe!!"

"At least it isn't a log," said Rukia.

"OK, first off, I am not Sasuke, and second… wait, is Byakuya crying?"

Sure enough, Byakuya was sitting off in the corner crying harder than a musician who lost their voice.

"What's wrong?" asked Rukia.

"Why were you talking about me like that?" asked Byakuya in between sobs.

"Wait," said Ichigo. "You're Uchiha Sasuke? HAHAHAHAHA!!"

"Idiot," said Byakuya. "I had a life before I died."

* * *

_"What the hell?" said AS Ichigo as the monster issued a very un-Hollow-like gurgle. "Oh shit. Huh?"_

_"Brother," said random girl number 1. "Run."_

_"Oh god, not you again," said AS Ichigo._

_"GUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRGLLLLEEEE!!"_

_They ran, the girl fell, and screamed, "Brother!"_

_"Wait," said AS Ichigo. "Why am I turning around? Oh right, the hero thing."_

_"GUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRGLLLLEEEE!!"_

_"Huh?" said Ichigo. "Ooh, pretty," he said looking at a butterfly. "What the hell?" he asked as AS Rukia made her big reveal._

_"Hmph," said AS Rukia, slashing the Hollow a couple of times with her sword, finishing him off._

_"Whoa. Cool," said AS Ichigo. Rukia grunted and walked off. "What? Hey wait! Huh? What? Where did… OK, I swear, this is the last time I ever break into the clinic's Vicodin."_

* * *

"Wait," said Ichigo. "Vicodin? khenpoe could have come up with so many excuses for why you disappeared, Rukia, and the best thing he had was Vicodin?"

"I must admit, that does seem a little weird," said Rukia. "Shall we?"

"Well we might as well see how much more fucked up we can get."

* * *

_Later that night, as AS Ichigo was lying in his bed…_

_"Man, who was that girl? Was she even real, or was it the Vicodin? Come to think of it, I'm still a little… Huh?"_

_It was then that his Vicodin-induced hallucination, AS Rukia, walked through his bedroom window._

_"What the…" was his initial reaction. "Oh man. Not again. Whoa. OK, I swear, I'll never abuse drugs again, just don't kill me."_

_AS Rukia stepped down, walked over, and said, "Something really stinks."_

* * *

"What was that?" asked Rukia. "Nothing smelled bad that night."

"Except you," said Ichigo.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" yelled Rukia, and this time there was nothing to stop the fight. Nothing except the show.

* * *

_AS Rukia was met by AS Ichigo's foot and sent flying into a wall._

_"Be gone, Vicodin induced hallucination!" he yelled._

_"God, kid, you're such a spaz," said AS Rukia. _

_"Yeah well I'm a spaz that just kicked your ass," was the retort. "I bet you didn't know I watched Dragon Ball Z."_

_"You seem familiar," AS Rukia said. "And what's with your orange hair? Are you some kind of leprechaun or something?"_

_"You idiot," said AS Ichigo. "Leprechauns are short, like you."_

* * *

"Ah… um… ah… um…" spazzed Ichigo. Not said. Spazzed. As in he was twitching when he said it. Finally, he was able to gather enough coherent thought to say, "I am not a leprechaun. I have orange hair because… well… you know what, come to think of it, I don't know why I have orange hair."

"Oh he did not just say what I think he said," said Rukia.

"Let's find you, shall we?" said Ichigo, reversing the tape. Sure enough, AS Ichigo called her short.

* * *

_"Oh you just had to go there, you jerk," said AS Rukia. "Dimnot! 'Oh Snap' position!!"_

_"Oh snap!" said AS Ichigo as Bakudō Number 1: Sai, took over his body._

* * *

"'Oh Snap' position?" asked Ichigo and Rukia simultaneously. "What kind of fucked up perverted bitch calls Bakudō Number 1: Sai 'Oh Snap' position?"

* * *

_"If you must know, I'm a Shinigami," said AS Rukia. "A Death God. As a Shinigami, I am sent to send the souls of the dead to Soul Society, or as you know it, Heaven. I am also sent to slay and purify the Goth monsters known as Hollows. I was hot on the trail of one of those monsters when I got here, but for some reason I lost it."_

_"You mean you can't hear that?" asked AS Ichigo._

_"Hear what?" AS Rukia asked._

_"GUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRGLLLLEEEE!!"_

_"That," AS Ichigo said._

_"I don't know what you're talking about," said AS Rukia._

* * *

"What?" asked Rukia. "I didn't know that the Hollow was so close."

"Really?" asked Ichigo. "I could smell him a mile away."

"But you said that nothing smelled bad," Ishida was quick to point out.

"Yeah, well… he was wearing my cologne."

"Wow… what the hell, Ichigo?" asked the entire audience.

* * *

_"I suppose you can't smell it either," said AS Ichigo._

_"What?"_

_"Step outside," said AS Ichigo._

_"All right," said AS Rukia. "But I still don't see what you're getting a… OH MY GOD WHAT DIED!?" she said running._

_"Hey wait!" said AS Ichigo. "Oh snap. Step aside. I'll handle this."_

_"What are you going to do?" asked AS Rukia._

_"I'm going Super Saiyan," said AS Ichigo._

_AS Rukia watched as AS Ichigo powered up._

* * *

"Oh dear God, no," said Ichigo.

"Not another goddamm DBZ reference," said Rukia.

"Thank god it's not a log joke," said Byakuya.

"OH COME OFF IT, UCHIHA!!" yelled Ichigo.

"That hurt," said Byakuya. "You should thank God I only have Bankai and not my Sharin…"

"Shut the hell up and resume already!" said everybody.

* * *

_AS Ichigo, as it turned out, did not go Super Saiyan. _

_"All right, plan B," he said. He grabbed a chair and ran at the Hollow saying, "I saw this on pro wrestling!! HYAAAA!!"_

_The Hollow punched AS Ichigo. "Oh, fuck. Oh, ow, ow, ow."_

_"God, just get out of the way," said AS Rukia. "Take this you Goth monster!"_

_"GUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRGLLLLEEEE!! OH GOD MY EYES!! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!!"_

_"What did you do to him?" asked AS Ichigo._

_"I played him a clip from the _Naruto_ filler," said AS Rukia._

_"Oh… harsh…"_

* * *

"Yeah, well, those Naruto fillers sucked," said Ichigo.

"You're right," said Byakuya. "My living character didn't get any screen time. All it was was a stupid Sharingan shot and…"

"Listen, Kuchiki-taichō," said Hitsugaya. "You are not Uchiha Sasuke anymore. Got it?"

"Oh, I almost forgot you were here, Tōshirō," said Ichigo.

"What kind of sick twisted… never mind," said Hitsugaya. "Finish the episode."

* * *

_"Obviously not harsh enough," said AS Rukia. "It seems he's injured me. I guess we have no choice. I need you to take my blade and ram it in your…"_

_"Whoa, let me stop you right there," said AS Ichigo. "I might have red hair but my name ain't Kuwabara."_

_"PUT IT IN YOUR HEART YOU ASS!!" screamed AS Rukia, offended._

_"Emo girl say what?" asked AS Ichigo. "Why the hell should I do that?_

_"You've got no choice," said AS Rukia. "Since you're the main character in an anime, when you're presented with the opportunity to gain power, you have to take it no matter how weird the circumstances."_

_"Goddammit, fine," said AS Ichigo. "Give me the damn sword, Shinigami."_

* * *

"I did not fucking say that," said Ichigo.

"Yes you did," said Rukia.

"No I didn't," said Ichigo. "I was way more polite about it."

"Fine. Let's finish this off."

* * *

_"I am Rukia Kucheeky."_

* * *

"That asshole said my name to slow," said Rukia. "Everyone here knows that it's Kuchiki, not Kucheeky."

* * *

_"GUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRGLLLLEEEE!!"_

_"And I'm…"_

_"GUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRGLLLLEEEE!!"_

_"Ichigo."_

_"GUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRGLLLLEEEE!!"_

_"Ichigo Kurosaki!!"_

_AS Ichigo then took AS Rukia's blade, and doing the one thing that actually kept to the plot, committed suicide and transformed into a Shinigami while classic rock played in the background._

_"My word," said AS Rukia. "His Soul Slayer. It's so big."_

* * *

"You should see his _other_ zanpakutō as well," said Rukia. "It's…

"PERVERT!!" said Ichigo. "SICK PERVERT!!"

"God," said Hitsugaya, Byakuya, Ishida, Chad, and perhaps a few more but I can't say for sure. Let's just say every man there reached for the mouse.

* * *

_"Wait a minute," said AS Rukia. "Hmm? Son of a bitch. He stole my robe. What in the hell could he be thinking?"_

_"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" said AS Ichigo, charging the Hollow._

_"GUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRGLLLLEEEE!!"_

_Ichigo cut the Hollow's leg off with a few battle cries, thinking, "Damn, I make this look good."_

_The Hollow continued to gurgle in an un-Hollow-istic fashion._

_"Monster, your crimes are unspeakable! I'll never forgive you for what you've done. This is for putting English Dubbed Bleach on hiatus for four months you bastard!"_

_"Ummm, attacking your family?" said AS Rukia._

_"Uh, right," said AS Ichigo. "THAT TOO!!" AS Ichigo then brought his zanpakutō on the Hollow's head, finishing him off._

_A dossier was then put up for AS Ichigo. It read:_

_Kurosaki Ichigo/15 years old_

_Hair Color/Orange_

_Eye Color/Brown_

_Occupation/High School Student and…_

_DEATH GOD_

_Outro Screen, followed by less disturbing credits than the beginning._

* * *

"Well that wasn't fucked up at all," said Ichigo. "We still don't have any info on Aizen, though."

"I just got this report," said Hitsugaya. "Aizen suffered a heart attack and died."

"Oh well this is ironic," said Rukia. "Wait. What is this? Episode TWO!! This is a SERIES!?"

"Well let's see," said Ichigo. "It's called _Bleach: The Abridged SERIES!_ The only question is, do we dare?"

"Let's do it," said everyone.

* * *

**And that's the end of that. As you can see, they don't really like Bleach Abridged, and yet they are continuing on with it.**

**Also, I will have you note that I changed the Neighborhood Watch to make it sound more like Lanipator, as that is who it was borrowed from originally, and the original crime committed by the Hollow was canceling **_**Firefly**_**, but putting **_**Bleach**_** on hiatus for four months was worse in my opinion, so, there you have it.**

**The discrepancy between Soul Slayer and zanpakutō is there because Soul Slayer was khenpoe's term, using the literal translation, but I think ****zanpakutō sounds cooler.  
**

**Also, the Byakuya being Sasuke thing is taken from one of my stories. You should read it.**

**Also, I used AS to mean Abridged Series. So please don't confuse with as. One is an acronym. The other is not.**

**R&R, or if you prefer P&G.**


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